Things I've Learned From Video Games, Part I: Legend of Zelda

1. It is shiny. It is therefore important.
2. Nothing is dead until it's dead three times.
3. If all else fails, blow it up.
4. It is ineffectual to shoot at Navi.
5. Bombs are potent if dropped at your feet, but not necessarily lethal.
6. Be careful around sentient plants, most of them try to eat you.
7. Get over your arachnophobia long enough to collect those spiders.
8. Speaking of spiders, those half-human ones always creep me out.
9. Some dungeons have hands that drop from the ceiling. Navi probably won't tell you until afterward. Just a fair warning.
10. Gerudo women are mean.
11. The Great Fairies are probably sluts.
12. The Master Sword is magic, but it won't help if you're one of those people who only repeatedly press B.
13. Link is left-handed. Left. Handed. The Wii version lies.
14. If it sparkles, hit it. Something will probably happen. (Even if that thing is, you die).
15. Milk is not just good for your bones.(On the flip side, drinking milk from the same bottle that has held Poes and insects is not sanitary).
16. The Water Temple is always the hardest. Always.
17. Despite the title, you never actually get to play as the princess.
18. Get used to sentient objects. The birds talk, the boats talk, the trees talk. It's practically Narnia.
19. If it doesn't come in three or eight, it's not official.
20. Ganondorf doesn't die. Seriously.
21. Changing tunics underwater is possible in the game but highly illogical if tried in real life.
22. The laws of physics do not apply to the Iron Boots.
23. Ditto the Hover Boots.
24. Double-ditto for Link's little bags and pouches.
25. No, it is not possible to use the Wind Waker as a substitute for when you run out of arrows.
26. Sometimes, the items are stupid. Anyone who has played A Link to the Past will agree with me.
27. The Gorons are surprisingly fat for a diet consisting mostly of rocks.
28. Why doesn't Link ever sit on the Ooccoo in his pocket?
29. Farore's Wind sucks as the aspect of Courage.
30. Koume and Kotake got sucked through light into some sort of higher plane of existence. Given their general evilness, this kind of freaks me out.
31. That well in Kakariko had an evil edifice at the bottom of it. I would not drink out of that well.
32. Tetra's idea to shoot the Light Arrows at Link seems less motivated towards killing Ganondorf and more motivated towards getting revenge on Link for locking her in the basement of a castle for an undisclosed amount of time while he roamed the world looking for Triforce bits.
33. Between Ganondorf's gloating, Link could probably steal Zelda and escape from the castle without the man noticing.
34. The laws of physics do not apply to the fact that you can deflect one of Ganondorf's power shots with your bottle.
35. Screw that, the laws of physics do not apply to Legend of Zelda.
36. It is not wise to ask yourself how far Zelda takes her transformation to Sheik. Seriously, I don't think I want to know.
37. Three words. "I AM ERROR"
38. Why doesn't Zelda's lullaby make her sleep?

Much thanks to Hail-NekoYasha's hilarious comics for some of my inspiration.
Stay tuned for Part II: Kingdom Hearts